The Process

I have tried to write this post several times but I just can't seem to get things down quite right.

I am just so excited about things right now.

The last few years have not been easy. I can't be 100% grateful for the tough things that I have had to go through. I have really had to dig really deep to cope with things in my life. But if because of all those things I have become stronger and a better person then I am grateful to God for carrying me through.

I have never really know what I wanted to do with my life. I always love drawing and telling stories. From a very early age I have wanted to be married and have children. When it came to my final year of school I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I applied to become a nurse but did have enough credits (or whatever they call it) to get in and they closed the nursing school that year. There was no one to marry and there was nothing I really felt I could pursue. I decided on taking a year off to do all things I loved to do. I painted, played my guitar and sewed. It was great but I still was looking for my calling. I was looking for my purpose. It was during this time that I fell in love with this really cute guy. Not just in a 'oh he looks nice' kind of way but I just knew I was meant to marry him.

We got married 18 months later a month before my 20th Birthday. A few months into our marriage and thinks got really intense. I learned just what I was willing to fight for and I learned a bit about myself but I also prayed for help a lot. Not many people believed me when I tried to get help and that was really difficult. I learned that I am not ever responsible for the actions of another person. It is not my fault and I am not the cause of someone else's behaviour.

I became a mommy when I was 22. It was the best day of my life. A beautiful baby girl. We sold our house a few months later and moved to New Zealand. We coped on our own for 3 years and in that time had another little girl who had silent reflux. It almost drove me crazy. when she was 8 weeks old I was at the end of my rope. Either there was something wrong with me or there was something up with my baby. When she was diagnosed and given medication things improved greatly. It was around this time that we had quite a few prophetic words spoken over us. From where I was standing I could see none of it. I could not see how God would do any of these things. In those 3 years I had a miscarriage and then fell pregnant with our 3rd daughter. We moved closer to family when I was 20weeks pregnant with her.

She was born a healthy 9lbs 2oz later that year an full 8 days late. At 3 months old she was diagnosed with hip dysplasia. For 8 weeks she wore a harness that kept her legs in a froggy position. Fortunately it was only for 8 weeks and she was rolling and doing funny little things in no time at all.

When she was 10 months I found out that we were expecting our 4th little baby. My family was complete. 4 little girls and a marriage that was really good. What I had always wanted and still do. I would not give it up for anything. There was always something missing though. What was I meant to do once my children were grown and out the house. What was my calling? I was happy if motherhood was it but I had this constant pull that there was even more. I felt not to discard the words spoke over me and my husband.

I started trying to find my place. I may have done it wrong so many times. I chose things I was really not any good at and I had so many things I was carrying on my shoulders. I just couldn't sit and do nothing. I felt called to something big. There were a few things I did right though.

This process so far has been painful and stressful and I am sure that the future won't be all peaches and cream. I know that to live is to learn but I really look forward to it anyway.

As of this moment I am feeling so blessed. I really feel like I have taken a step into my call. I can look ahead and make that 5 year plan.

God uses what the small things you have to do great things. He will always multiply the meager and heal the diseased things,

I am now an author about to publish her first book (this Blog) and working on drawings for an Adult Colouring Book. I have three of my Blog posts published or due to be published in 2 different books and one of my drawings is on the cover of The Word For You Today. 25 000 copies have been mailed out to the whole of New Zealand.

When I think back I look forward to what is to come. The process brought me this far and I know that God will use the next season's process to take me further. I am so in awe and so thankful that God loves me and that He has called me to this new and exciting season.

God will use a process for you too. He will shape your character and strengthen your foundations so that you are prepared for what He has called you to do. Trust Him. He is faithful and trustworthy and really knows what He is doing. He will be with you in the dark and He will help you to switch on the light and He will be with you through the mess and He will celebrate every success with you. In your life you cannot out Party God. He loves you so much and delights in you so much.

I can just see Him right now when I got my copies in my letterbox of the books with my cover on, dancing and clapping His hands seeing how excited I was and still am.

I Will Trust in You

1 Peter 5:7  Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.

I am going to write today about surrender. This Blog is called A Walk of Faith and Trust but have I really been trusting God with everything?

Let's see, I have surrendered my call and my gifts to Him. I have kneeled and said take it all and use me Lord as your will be done.

He asks us to give up everything and follow Him and so I did or so I thought. He also says to cast all my cares, worries and burdens on Him and He will give me rest and I thought I had done that but have I really? Have I trusted Him with my gifts, my skills, my sin issues, my offense issues, my relationship issues?

While I was away at a church conference this week I have had times of struggle within my soul but I reached a point where I didn't like what I had become and I really didn't care how God worked in my life to fix it.

Surrender is not what I thought it was. It is not about being broken before God it is about giving everything that isn't yours to carry to Him so He can make you whole. At this point I didn't care about whether I was right or wrong in a matter. I didn't care about how I got this way I was seeking a way out of it. I could've listed all things everyone had done wrong to me or I could ask God to fix me so that I am the person He wants me to be.

You see I got to the point in my life where all the small offenses had piled on and had helped build a wall. I tried to fix myself. I was trying with all my strength to figure out why I was so bad, why I was so wrong and why I was always being picked on. Why did all this bad stuff keep on happening. I was sick of it but mostly I was sick of living with me.

Yeah so people are mean, so what? You cannot please everyone and you cannot make everyone like you but it isn't about that. It is about loving anyway.

I can't do anything in my own strength.  I can only do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

I have gotten frustrated with not seeing fruit in my calling. I got frustrated with not seeing what God had called me to come to pass. I strived and did a lot of things to make my call happen but what I didn't realise and what I realise now is that although God has called me to live life big and do amazing things but in order for me to be prepared for my call He was working on my character.

God didn't cause bad things to happen to me but He was watching how I reacted to them. He was building my character. He watches how I love people and my attitude as I spoke to myself about people and situations where things weren't perfect. I could blame so many things and people for the way I turned out and I would be right but what God wants from me is to surrender all these people and situations, all my imperfections and faults and ingrained sins, all my needs and wants, all of it to Him.

Faith comes through hearing and trust comes though surrender and hope is what I receive when I have Faith and Trust in God.

God is a good Father. Do you want to know how good? We have quoted John 3:16 so many times it has almost lost meaning to us. We use it as a way to show non-believers all that Jesus has done on the cross and what they need to do to be saved but read the first part. For God so loved the world. Your Father loves you. He loves you so much that He sent His Son Jesus to reconcile you to Him. Sin kept you apart from Him. That relationship were always meant to have was broken. There was a huge wall of sin between us and our Father. When we surrender our rights to Jesus we are pulling down that wall to our Heavenly Father. Father God loves you so much right now and He wants to see you whole.

If you have an offense or want to hand over some stuff and truly trust Him and allow Him access to work on your character I ask you to bow your head now and hand it all over. Choose a different reaction, action and thought life.

When we give Jesus anything He never leaves it the same He always heals or multiplies. The 5 loaves and 2 fish didn't stay 5 loaves and 2 fish and He doesn't ever make just enough He is a God of abundantly more.

My car has been out of action for 2 months. We got rear-ended on one of our family trips. It should be fixed next week but I handed it over to the panel beaters 3 weeks ago and it still not repaired. Does this mean it will never be repaired? No. Was it going to get repaired if I kept on driving it and never handed of for repair? No. Did I decide after weeks of it not repairing it that  I wasn't going to hand it over I could do I better job and fix it myself? No. Did I park it off and hope that it would magically fix itself over time? No. Then why do we think if we do these things when life bashes us up. Only God can heal your wounds so take them to Him first.

I know that I will probably mess up a few more times in my life but I pray that I will be quicker to surrender every matter to my Father first. That I will only tear down the walls of offense in me and not tear down others or myself.

I pray that God will give you the same revelation He has given me on this. If you feel tormented or cage up by your past and your present habits and offenses then choose today whom you will serve. Are you going to serve your tormentor with your thoughts and attitudes or God?

It is time to surrender our hurt, and our sins and our call to Him. It is time for us to become whole so that we can bring wholeness to others.

No matter what comes your way resolve in your heart to Trust Him because He is busy developing your character so that you will have the capacity for your call.

Dreaming

Dreams and visions of things you want to do and see happen don't always work out as planned. It can be very depressing and discouraging.

My dreams haven't changed so much as evolved. I don't have it all figured out exactly but it has to be bigger and more mind blowing than where I am now. It has to be because I simply cannot live what I feel would be a mediocre life for me if I stop dreaming big.

If that means I fail and look like a complete egg, so be it. I got out there and tried something. If I succeed but it morphs into something I didn't expect but it is still a failure, I will press on to the next bright idea. But oh what if I succeed and it is awesome?

Where have I been the last few months? To be honest I have been... struggling. Struggling with failure, mistakes and disappointment almost to the point of quitting dreaming altogether. I have been testing the waters of my dreams and ideas that are constant within me.

I got so angry about finding my calling and my purpose that I was resigning myself to just being a mom and wife forever. (which isn't a bad thing but stopping dreaming is not a good way to live a happy life, it will just make you resentful and bitter)

What is my biggest downfall? Dreaming big, thinking big and jumping in without a thought but guess what these are also my biggest and greatest strength.

This Blog may be in for a bit of and overhaul as I figure out where this path is leading me.

When I started this blog I had so many things running through my mind about what God was saying to me. He is still speaking to me about things but I am reconsidering how I blog about these things or even whether to blog about it at all. Most of my posts have been based on a scripture and what I felt God was saying at the time about that scripture and relating it to what I was going through. This did not mean that I had fully processed or even applied what I wrote but rather that I was putting my thoughts down on "paper" and in doing so hopefully helping someone else in the process.

I am trying to find out where I belong and to do this I have had to take giant leaps into the unknown. Sometimes I leap without considering fully every possible thing that could go wrong and the logistics of it. I kind of hope the idea would carry me through it. Sometimes I say yes to things I really shouldn't for two reasons: 1) to learn something new and see if I like it or can do it and 2) to be nice and provide a service that no one else is doing.

This year I have stepped back and tried to dream less and to leap less but honestly I suck at doing that. I am getting so antsy already.

Exciting stuff is happening with something that I thought was so plain and easy. Something I do for enjoyment that no one is meant to see. I have loads of art that I have fiddled with and perfected or fussed with. Some I hated and others I loved but it wasn't received as well as I had hoped for art I sweated and just about bled over. Some of my art I could not duplicate. My art has come so far in the last year and yet I am laughing so much right now. I think I am turning into a doodle artist. That is right Doodling.

Here I am saying but but Lord? Doodling? Seriously? I was doodling before I took my art course and before I had my eyes opened to see in a new way that caused my art to jump from level 2 to level 6. Now I am doodling again and it is appearing on the cover of a youth devotional magazine and wining tickets and hanging on walls. I have been working so hard to be Leonardo Di Vinci or Vincent Van Gogh, well not exactly being them but having the same standard as them in the realism of their art but in my own style, that I was failing to find my own style.
But there it was right in front of me. I don't disregard what I have learned because I feel it has helped my doodles to improve and helped me develop my own style of doodle art.


I still only have a small idea of where God is leading me. He has given me the desires to dream big, think big and do life big. I want to break the mould of the things that have been done the same way for centuries. I want to introduce the new. I want to wave my brush and pen on the world and watch vibrant colours flood everyone's souls. I want to spread love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, hope through my art. I want to teach that others can do that to and can create something beautiful too.

How this is going to happen I don't know but one step of faith and another step of trust at a time I will walk this path set before me.

My blog content may change or stay the same. I don't really know. I love writing and sharing my heart with you all. I have had this blog for many years now and have gained many lovely followers who read what I write and have been encouraged. But if you would like to see the other side of me that I keep talking about and if you would like to follow my dream all you need to do is like my two pages. Shameless plug I know but this is where I post my updates. So here they are Tamryn de Laborde - Artist and A Walk of Faith and Trust. Make sure to like and follow so that new posts will show up in your newsfeed.

Tell me what your dreams are. God wants us to dream and imagine and create what we see in our mind. It is what He did when He thought of creating you.

Be blessed and have an awesome week.

Tamryn

The Joy of the Lord

And Nehemiah continued, “Go and celebrate with a feast of rich foods and sweet drinks, and share gifts of food with people who have nothing prepared. This is a sacred day before our Lord. Don’t be dejected and sad, for the joy of the Lord is your strength!”

Nehemiah 8:10

I have not posted in a while and I have no real excuse. I guess with everything else I have been settling into I have yet to find and commit to a time to write. Hopefully Thursday will be a good day to commit to writing.

A scripture that has been meditating on and chewing over is Nehemiah 8:10. The words at the end of this passage are speaking louder and clearer to me at this time. The joy of the Lord of my strength. I have read this bit of the verse over and over. I thought it meant that God is always joyful and Him being joyful is what gives me strength, which is true but not in the way I thought. I always thought there had to be something else that this verse was saying.

Let me explain. If the fruits of the Spirit are Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self Control and Jesus says He gives us peace and not to be afraid in John 14:27 then doesn't that mean by sending us Holy Spirit we have these fruits? We have God's love, joy, peace, patience etc. inside us.

What I didn't realise was that the joy of the Lord isn't external but internal. I have His joy living in me and it is this that gives me strength to say it is well with my soul. His joy is what allows me to praise Him despite what is happening in my life.

This joy that we have gives us not only strength but courage and boldness. We can be bold, courageous and strong like lions. We need not fear or allow our emotions to rule our lives. Happiness, sadness, fear, anger are not permanent. One minute I can be angry and the next I can be sad. Today I could be fearful yet tomorrow I could be happy until I stub my toe on something. But the of Joy of the Lord is permanent. 

I am thankful that God is always there for me not just when I call out to Him. Like the Lion in this picture He is always singing over me and laughing over me. He rejoices when He sees me taking my first wobbly little steps in my art. He sees me trying to puzzle out His plan for me and He rejoices over you too. He sees what you go through. He sees your successes and your mistakes but He rejoices when you get back up and try again. Success is all about using you mistakes as a ladder to your promise.

Isn't it amazing that He doesn't let us fight out fears alone but that He gives us the joy so that we will be strong enough to overcome and succeed. 

Lord I thank you for your Joy in my heart. I thank you that even when I feel like there is nothing left in me I can still open my mouth and praise you and joy floods my soul and gives me the strength I need to get up and try again. I pray for joy to flood each and every one of Your people who are reading these words and bring a refreshing to their hearts and strength to every part of their being.

Have a blessed week and I will commit to writing once a week again as I enjoy it so much and I always have so much to say. 

Death and Hope

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil;

For You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

Psalm 23:4

I am saddened by the news this week. David Bowie and Alan Rickman both taken from this world at 69 following their battle with cancer. There have been many more actors and actresses who have had cancer.
I found out just the other day that Maggie Smith, who is still alive and kicking on Downton Abbey at 81 years of age, had also battled cancer while filming 'Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince'.

Family members, friends of mine have cancer, survived cancer and died of cancer. It is so unbelievably sad. It is easy to lose hope and feel depressed and miserable and totally helpless.

I mean 69 isn't that old. These people thought they would at least live until their 80's. Alan Rickman's plan when he was 80 was to be sitting in his rocking chair reading a Harry Potter book. "Death comes to us all in the end" and that is so true. We are all going to die.

I know I am only 32 and still young but I can't help but reflect on my life and the life I have left and ponder it. I don't have 100 years left anymore if I am to live to 120 as I have planned. I used to. I used to have plenty of time. But now I can say that I remember what my life was like 20 years ago. In 20 years time I will be 52 and my daughters will be starting their families. I expect that their may even be some grandkids by then and well then it is only 17 years until I am 69. (Sorry I do the maths thing a lot)

If you knew at 32 that you only had 37 years left what would you do with it? Our lives are so short.

So where is the hope then? The hope is right there under our noses. Life may be short and we don't know how long we will have left but there is so much we can pack into that time. David Bowie has done incredible things in his 69 years. What is left behind is what people remember about him. His life, his journey, who he was that no one else could ever be.
Alan Rickman has a list of accomplishments that is longer than my arm and a voice unique and one that will not be heard again. His acting was amazing both on stage and on screen.

My hope is that God is going to use me to do a whole list of amazing things that only I can do and be.
I have this written at the beginning of my diary for this year. "You are useful and priceless. Destined for great things.

When I die I will die emptied out of all that I was put on this earth to do. I will pass from this world at peace knowing that I contributed to this world and made it a better place to live in at least to those who heard me and met me. Though my physical life on this earth is just a brief moment in the entire history of mankind, my spiritual life goes on forever.

Don't let the enemy cloud your thinking and tell you that you haven't accomplished anything and that you never will. I have had that nonsense poured into my thinking for far too long. I could fill a book  or two with what I have accomplished and what I am yet to do.
He so desperately wants you too give up and do nothing because he is so scared of you. He doesn't know what it is you will do in your life but he knows that whatever you do will be powerful and will upset his plans in your life and the lives of others. You are known and the Heavens tremble.

Here is to 2016. A year of amazing and great leaps of faith and risk taking. Stepping out into the things we have been carrying and nurturing for so long.

There is hope in death. Live your life to the full everyday. Enjoy your life and be with those you love.

2016 is going to be a great year. Probably the best year we have ever seen. I just sense that there is going to be an increase in healing and miracles, signs and wonders. God is opening up the gates of His Spirit, His power and His favour. It is time. Resist the devil and he will flee. I feel we have turned a corner but more we have done an about-face or U-turn. For years we have been running and resisting the onslaught of the enemy. Going on with our lives just trying to win ground and cope with the next onslaught but this year will be an about-face year. We are turning and facing the other direction. No longer are we on the defence we are now on the offence and the only one running away is the enemy.
You will stop fighting in your own strength, trying to defend yourself against the arrows and you will take up the armour of God and turn and the enemy will flee.

Making Mistakes

Psalm 37:24

Though they stumble, they will never fall,

    for the Lord holds them by the hand.


I have not posted in a long while. Some of the reason is that I have been busy but the main reason is that at this time of the year from September to December I think about my life and what needs to change and what I need to stop doing.

So yes I took a bit of a break while I thought on these things.

2016 will be a very different year but I do feel I am stepping into something really good. The last 2 years have been really crazy. I have been trying to figure out where I fit and what God wants me to do and all I have been feeling is pushed from one corner to the other without making any head-way.

This year I spent most of my time on my art. I studied through Inflame Ministries through their Creative Arts Program. They have two streams, Songwriting and Painting. Although I have been a singer all my life, have written a few simple songs and play the guitar with a small amount of effort, I have also been very expressive with pencil and paper and had enjoyed watercolour paint. I decided after having painted a watercolour from a vision I had and having had a radical confirmation of this vision and painting that I might actually have something there that needs to be looked into and maybe developed.

One of the main things I have learned over the last year is about mistakes. I have learned that in my life I have learned more from making mistakes than from trying to be perfect and not make any mistakes.

I have always tried to impress and be liked through perfection and never ever making a mistake.
Mistakes are frowned upon in our culture. The consequences of making a mistake is usually met with guilt and shame rather than an opportunity to learn and experiment.

The other day I was driving and made a mistake and went over the speed limit by 7ks. Ordinarily when I realise I am going to fast I immediately slow down but this time it didn't help for as soon as I realised a Policeman had put his lights on and motioned for me to pull over. School Zone and that means zero tolerance.
I sat there as he went to go print out the ticket and I thought about my nice clean driving record which was now gone. I had so much pride in it and now after a mistake I had lost it. I now have to wait two years to get a fresh start. I cried because I realised the pressure I had put on myself never to make a mistake.
Having made this mistake and being disciplined for it made me more aware of my speed and where I am driving. I would not want anyone else to be driving over the speed limit near a school my children go to.

How does this translate to art? Well art is all about making mistakes. Art is not about being perfect from day one. It is about learning through mistakes.

The only way my art improved was when I embraced the mistakes and worked with them. Erasers are the worst thing for an artist to have lying around. I am trying to teach my art and craft kids to not care about erasing a mistake but to rather take that mistake and work it into their work.

And that is the way it is in life. God doesn't save us from making mistakes but He uses these mistakes to help us learn from them and to grow into more mature and disciplined people.

In order for my art to improve I had to practice everyday. Everyday I made mistakes and instead of letting those mistakes discourage me I used them to improve and grow my knowledge. Playing it safe didn't do my artwork any good. By not allowing myself to make mistakes and expecting a standard of art that I had not spent any time practicing left me art stuck. I was unsettled with the level my art was at and I had no clue how to improve it. Until this year where I was taught A) how to see and B) to not care about too much about what I put down on paper.

We get better at life and whatever we put our hands to when we take a risk and do it and love it no matter how it turns out.

If you feel this is you, That you have been living the safe life and been in fear of making a mistake, then I challenge you to step out and do something small and just out of your comfort zone and if you make a mistake, embrace it and take another step forward. Mistakes are great. Make them and live life to the full. Making a mistake does not make you a mistake.

The Question

A few years ago a question was posed that I have been thinking about again in the last few days. My answer to this question remains the same now as it did then and I was wondering how others would answer it.
This question was asked on a Theology Forum Board and the other answers on there were surprising and revealing. I also got a bit of black lash to my answer even though it was an IF question and involved personal opinion.

The question we maybe ask ourselves more often than we think and maybe not in the exact words but the underlying question is still the same.

If it was prove 100% that God does not exist would you still hold on to your faith. Would you still carry on living your life as you do now?

My answer? Yes. I would still believe and I would still carry on my life, worshiping and praying, loving my neighbour, dancing and painting. Why would I give up my whole way of living that I have lived for most of my life?

Santa, the Easter Bunny and the tooth fairy and all the other imaginery people in our lives I know they do not exist (I am sorry to break the news to those that do not know this) but it doesn't stop me from surprising my girls at Christmas and having them write letters to Santa. It doesn't stop me from putting $2 dollars under my toothless child's pillow nor does it stop me from buying Easter eggs that apparently was laid my a rabbit the size of a human being (I think, the story changes from house to house)

If God is not real then I have the best imaginary friend in the whole world. An friend that teaches me how to treat others and who speaks o me and comforts me during the hard times and is always there, He causes me to be a better person. I will worship Him no matter if He is as real as the ground I walk on or just a figment of my imagination.

But my God is real. He is more real than you or me. We are His imaginary friends in a way because He created us and He thought us and all Creation up and spoke and created us.

What would your answer be?